The clock hit 7:30pm last night and I was running on fumes.

Despite my best efforts, which include patterning the day, resting with belly rubs, and as a last resort, a quick errand time as an opportune car nap time, the two-year-old defied a nap. Which deprived me of a small break in the chaos of mom-dom and all the things that spring from cranky two year olds who aren’t receiving the blessed kiss of sleep in the afternoon.

Sigh.

Yes, it was past dinner time, right in the sweet spot between hope-of-nap time and bedtime, and on my knee, my sweet girl once again had her hands all over my face, leaving red pepper-tomato soup prints on my glasses.

I wish I could say I took the second to breathe and recognize her silliness. I wish I had taken the time to treasure the moment, smile, wipe my glasses, and talk sweetly back.

Alas, no. I reacted in prying her hands from my face, hold them firmly to show her mommy didn’t want to play, and speaking in a harsh tone that left no question as to whether or not I was done. (Because I said it.)

And nearly as soon as I finished interacting with her, I asked her if she wanted to cuddle a moment before she went to go brush her teeth. Guilt rushes even faster than words do, and before I finished my scolding, I felt like an epic failure.

I tell you this story that, by the way, is in no way a one-off, to say this:

Resting in the presence of God is one of the hardest pieces of life.

Because if I’d rested in God’s presence and remembered His unimaginable preference for me, how could I have reacted with anything but deference? If I had taken the moment to reorder my priorities into His priorities, how could I have placed my pursuit for entertainment above connection with her?

I have to remind myself that resting in His midst happens not just while we are able to sit and think about His word or say a prayer.

Resting in His midst is spiritual, and so it happens simultaneous to being pulled in millions of different directions by those around you who have legitimate, pressing needs. It happens in the middle of making a thousand infinitesimal decisions, even when one of which results in a person flipping you off on the road. It happens while encountering the people around you who are in a state of hostility or rudeness completely undeserved by any small request you could have.

On my best days, resting in His presence looks like knowing God’s will encompasses the needs of all those upon which I have my eye and ear. It means breathing in the competence of my own given being and breathing out the possibility of doing everything at once.

And resting in His presence looks like knowing God’s grace is sufficient even when I don’t have it in others. It means breathing in the tiny course correct of the censure behind an angry gesture and breathing out the ability to perfectly navigate my day.

And resting in His presence looks like knowing the Lord’s favor and putting His priorities first is the most important thing. It means breathing in patience for His people and breathing out the need to retaliate or create justice.

Resting in the shelter of the Almighty requires remembering that we are spirit residing in the physical world. And it is this practice that allows us to be hit just a little less severely with the harshness of this place.

But it’s hard because it requires that our understanding of the Lord’s character is not broken by distance from His Word.

It’s also hard because it requires that we recognize that the chemical nature of our bodies is still present and active… and able to be subverted by a pause and an intentional shift of our thoughts.

It’s hard because time is at once the variable that, when used generously, allows our hearts to change, but is that of the shortest supply in our society built on timeliness.

If I could offer anything to make your life more likely to be a place in which you can find His presence, I would offer this advice:

In order to keep your heart soft, you have to practice it being that way. You have to practice not being offended at the things that naturally irk you.

• Spend time in the Bible, especially the parts you question
• Process the things in your life.
  • Ask, why would this happen? What does it show me about myself? God? My priorities?
  • Ask, how could this show God’s benevolent nature and be true?
  • Ask, how does the presence of our own human nature change the intention behind this?
• Look for the threads of grace, mercy, the gift of free choice, and the longing of God for our preference to Him above the shininess of this world
• Turn things over in your mind and bring them to God in curiosity. Have you ever tried changing your inflection with things that rub you the wrong way?

Allow your time to be interrupted by others.

• Everyone needs encouragement. Counterintuitively, make it your practice to listen to others and ask empathetic questions so you find out where it is needed.
• Make room for your life without the hurry. Your transitions are a statistically large part of the living you do, so do them with intention.
• Be willing to wait the seconds for the person you nearly run into in the grocery store to get by–and insist on it.
• Think ahead in order to plan the extra time to explain to and wait for the people in your life (ie. our triggers, perhaps our children in the morning or coworkers during a project or a neighbor who seems to show up as you need to leave)
• Set your cruise control in the car, move over when someone is tailing you closely, and use the time to be still, reflect, worship
• Sit with the post you want to make on instagram or threads or reddit or your blog for a day or two. Ask yourself questions about it.

Separate yourself from the chemical reactions going on in your body.

• Narrate what is before you in a way that helps you conquer it without succumbing to it.
• Get in the habit of breathing to help your head catch up to your heart.
• If you feel uncomfortable, don’t change it yet. Take a deep breath.
• If you feel sad, don’t assuage it yet. Take a deep breath.
• If you feel offended, don’t react yet. Take a deep breath.

I am not good at this, but I know that when I practice these things, I feel the fruits of God’s spirit, and I am less frustrated with myself and the circumstances of my life.

Sitting in God’s grace while the world rages at your doorstep is hard. But it’s possible to do, more and more. I’m working on breaking a little less, working to remember that my immediate surroundings are a shadowbox, and that I am invited to sit in the presence of the Most High.

I hope you’ll continue to try it. Practice at it. Fail at it. But, try it.

Here for you,

Alexandra