Well, I don’t know if I was allowed, but I sent my final email to parents, and I am hoping to finally have closure on it all.

With eight weeks left to the school year, I resigned my position as a 6th and 7th grade math teacher. It feels incredibly selfish and self-centered to list my struggles in how I got to this point, because all it amounts to is that I have left students without a consistent human to teach them math for the remainder of their school year.

But God is good. It is recognizing God’s sovereignty and de-centering myself from this–recognizing the position that this role put me in as a cog in this machine that is, by design, able to be changed out and to continue in its purpose–that is essential to recognizing exactly why it was important to leave.

All of my life, I have believed in hard. I have believed in going through the very hard things to get to the good things. Perseverance and grit, ingenuity and integrity… these are things only built through surviving hard.

So why leave now?

Well, I have several explanations that all feel pandering.

Let me just say now that I do feel like a failure. I do feel like I have let everyone down. And I am struggling against the feeling that this defines who I am.

There are some promises I need to make in order to keep this from becoming my reality:

1. I will deeply consider the promises and duties that I have outside of any new commitments and ask myself about what new time and efforts are being asked. I need to be more circumspect.
2. I will not commit to a contract that asks me to spend any certain amount of time without the caveats necessary to get out due to the priorities of my children and family. I need to set firmer boundaries.
3. I will communicate every misgiving and possible issue before I commit to (especially) an employer. I need to be more honest and communicative.

For now, I’m moving forward in being present for my family, managing my household, and studying to progress in a career that I will help to change. I will not see myself anymore as a failure, but as someone doing things for good.